A Travel Partner

Lying down on your chest
I feel your heartbeat
I press my ears close
Because I am scared to miss any

I feel your heartbeat
And my heart wanders
About somewhere far from now
Somewhere I don’t want to be
if you aren’t there;

Because I will miss how
We used hold hands
And sit on dreamy clouds
And your navigation
And stories about your friend
Alexander!

I miss how you hold me close
rub my hands
And save me from the cold
I miss when the roads are scary
And you tell me it’ll be alright
And when we reach
You kiss me on my forehead so tight

I don’t want to travel
Without that destiny kiss
That’s what my heart concluded
From it’s little trip
I hope you are also fine
Because I want you to be
A travel partner
Who is forever mine.

-Jyoti

Fernweh

If you’re struggling, you deserve to make self – care a priority. Whether that means lying in bed all day, eating comfort food, crying, sleeping, rescheduling plans, finding an escape through a good book, watching your favorite TV show, or doing nothing at all — give yourself permission to put your healing first. Quiet the voice telling you to do more and be more, and today, whatever you do, let it be enough. Feel your feelings, breathe, and be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can to cope and survive. And trust that during this time of struggle, it’ s enough. I found my self care activity as trace and here a small glimpse of my travel to Madurai, Kodaikkanal and Rameshwaram

She, sunset and silhouettes

there she stands,

right in front of the sun,

right in front of me, quietly

fabricating silhouettes from happiness, and embarking herself on her golden dreams.

.

.

there she stands,

holding blazing suns in one hand,

and calming stars in the other,

quietly smiling and humming Led Zeppelin songs to herself,

knowing that she is loved by many.

.

.

there she stands,

with her hair tied up in a messy bun, breeze kissing her cheeks, quietly whispering in her ears that she’s epitome of beauty,

to which she blushes.

.

.

she looks down,

her eyes speak, most of the times, on her behalf

her hands playing with her earrings, quietly

and her eyes whisper to me that she’s happy.

she looks right in my eyes,

and i realise that she’s magical,

that she’s an almost perfect alloy, quietly she holds love, elegance, happiness and beauty

under her skin.

.

.

but, oh, there she stands,

cuddling the entire universe in her soft hands,

and ruffles the hairs of all the galaxies. there she looks, and the universe sees her smile

and oh, it falls, the universe falls for her.

.

.

she stands here, quietly

right in front of me,

looking me in the eye,

and smiling her best smile.

Jyoti

Will you tell me?

Tell me, have you screamed so loud that silence was all that came out?

Tell me, have you ever wanted to be happy so much that you ended up crying for it?

Tell me, have you eaten your favorite food and felt gross just because you couldn’t taste it?

Tell me, have you felt disgusted just for helping others with their life issues when you couldn’t hold your own?

Tell me, have you climbed a mountain just to feel good even when you have a fear of height?

Tell me, have you waited for everyone to go to sleep just so that you can stare in darkness all night long?

Tell me, have you had that panging in your chest that just won’t stop even if you’re asleep?

Tell me, have you felt like sleeping again just after an hour of waking up from a long healthy sleep?

Tell me, are you afraid of falling apart when you’re telling the world you’re fine? Tell me, do you feel like its all a bad dream but you can’t wake up voluntarily? Tell me, have you argued to yourself and went from “I was right.” to It was my fault.”?

Tell me have you hated yourself just for trying to hate someone you once loved? Tell me, have you smashed those heavy weights into the gym you once thought you couldn’t even lift?

Tell me have you written posts day after day just to delete them so that people won’t judge you?

Let me ask it all in a simple way,

Tell me, have you ever had a heartbreak?

Is it okay?

I don’t know if it’s okay anymore for me to ask how are you, but then, who cares. You know me, I’ll do exactly what I’m not supposed to do. And here I am, writing to you, knowing very well that this should be the last thing for me to do. So, how are you? Are you finally happy to see me this way? To see the marvelous destruction you created? To see a vulnerable, miserable me? I know you must probably be assuming that I hate you now, just like all the other things you assumed. But hate is something I can’t feel now. You know how when you warm up iron and when it can’t be heated anymore, it just glows. It sits in the hearth gracefully and glows. Out of all emotions, grateful would be the closest to how I feel about you, about us. I am grateful to you for making me realize how much of depth resides within me, how deeply I can love someone who never belonged to me. I am grateful to you for acquainting me with the strength it takes to forgive someone for our own sake. Sleepless nights have now become routine. Thoughts turning into nightmares. Hope turns into despair. Getting lost in the search for answers only to find the questions wrong. Wondering whether you think of me when someone speaks of chocolates or when that song comes on the radio or when you sit alone under the velvet skies having no one to say “look at the moon”. Because I do. I miss you every day, with every breath. Each second brings with it a pain unbearable for this little fragile body, shrinking it to an extent where it’s existence becomes questionable. Veins constructing infinitely, gushing blood out through the pen. A fist ruthlessly clenching my gut. I scream, shout for help, only to end up inaudible. I turn around and find the bloody hand to be no one else’s but mine.

Abandoned home

I see myself floating;

A fragile balloon mounting

To the distant land of skies

Where there are pieces of cotton,

And sunlights buried in them,

A haven to the world.

But,I don’t see you in sight.

I look around, again, in a hope

You will step out of the dark cloud

With little stars on your finger tips,

And leave the moondust behind.

But it rains instead,

And there is roaring of a heart.

I cannot fathom between the thunders

And the scream within me.

I will say it again,

a place without you is still

an abandoned home

that i keep running from.

Sweetheart

I have run out of names to call you

Sweetheart isn’t even close
Darling just won’t do
Not a word to describe you I suppose

How someone so precious could be found
How warmth is created just by your presence
How my heart; it remembers to mellow down
By that soothing calm being it senses

You are quintessence of light in my life
Darkness fades away with your touch
Oh how I have never felt so alive
Most of all safe I can truly vouch

One day I would find the word that would suffice
In perfectly describing all that you’re combined
For now I would have to acquiesce
In calling you just sweetheart if you don’t mind.

One sided love

It’s difficult to understand,

And hard to believe,

Because it’s a mystery,

Yet to be revealed.

I don’t know, how your smile

Can make my day,

Just your one thought

Keeps me so gay!

It’s your presence around me,

That makes me feel complete

You tell me I am your best friend

And I have no one to compete.

And you know I feel bad

When you share your time,

I know I am not the one

And you can’t be all mine.

It’s okay, I don’t want you

To feel the same,

Because it’s my heart

Playing it’s own game.

But I love the way it feels,

Its my love to you

Which no one can judge,

Separate or steal.

That’s beauty of my love,

It doesn’t want you to love me back.

It is known as one sided love,

Which can never be hacked.

-jyoti

Oh Gorgeous one!

You are truly Gorgeous

I thought I should let you know

In case you may sometimes forget

I would like to only remind you

It’s beyond those smile

You often like to wear

It’s not from the picture of you

that you love to share

But the part of you

that reveals itself.

It’s your smiling soul

that makes me so aware

of my own hidden Joys somewhere

Thank you

oh gorgeous one!

hoping more of you, I see

and with that what Joy of mine I find

In your debt I’ll Forever Be

Jyoti

Down my memory lane

It often happens to me nowadays that whenever I lie down and while I slowly close my eyes looking at the fan moving above my head and my vision slowly getting Blur, I realise that I fall into some other land, a place where everything is good and it’s whatever I wanted it to be like, where I see those happy faces of my mom and dad cheering me up for the race and planning for dinner Somewhere out even though I couldn’t perform well. I see my sister buttering me for the chocolates of my part cause she already finished her and now wants more. I see my mum making some curry which I really don’t like and then convincing me to have it because it’s good for health. I see my old PTM meetings where I really didn’t wanted my parents to attend them because I knew I was about to get whopped so hard. I see myself convincing my dad to allow me to go to the tour happening next week and telling him that he is the best but now I realise that I was never wrong and he was the best and he would always be the best, I realise that earlier I just said but now I know I mean it even though I don’t say. While all this,I realise how lucky I am and would always be to have them all by my side. I realise I have been a better version of myself then I was before and I have lived with the Superheroes who motivate me to never look behind. I feel nostalgic but I feel good and I thank god for blessing me with them. I take a deep breath and turn the other side hugging my pillow and getting that 90 degree angle by my leg on it Making myself Ultra comfortable and then wake up the next morning realising how often I visit this land which is down my memory lane.

A glimpse of my days down the memory lane.

Jyoti